The Year : 2007 AD The place : London, The council hall for the scientists guild.

Grim faces filled the room. The council was very obviously displeased.

"You are a disgrace to our society, and a mockery to our standards!" exclaimed FightingChance, the head of the council. He had not been feeling in the best of moods this week – His diarrhoea had returned with a vengeance, and the "ring-of-fire" had been making it uneasy to sit down. He shuffled in his seat. This new development had made him start to feel like he needed to run to the men’s room and unload his brown torpedoes. It had put the Icing on the cake. And his particular cake could do without the extra icing. The chief scientist did not look ashamed at all. In fact, he was smiling, and dancing a little jig around his chair.

"All you guys have a hair stuck up your collective asses – And I’m the guy with the big pair of tweezers. You cant stop us, we built it, and we have the power to use it. We will go ahead as planned tomorrow, and there is nothing you can do to stop us!" said Quizical, with an air of defiance.

Now, Quizical had been the head of the science team for 6 years, and if he had learned one thing in his time there, it was that the council was soft. They were just little puppies in suits, throw them a bone and they will take it.

"But I suppose, if it would make you happy… We could postpone the mission for another day…" he said, smiling on the inside, but with a look of sincerity on his face.

"There will be no mission!" shouted Pompous Frog, second on the council. "Your plans are crazy! Can you even begin to imagine the repercussions of what you propose to do?! We all know it is unmarked territory, and your actions could change the world as we know it! I beg you to reconsider!" He too had been through a bad week, what with the press discovering about his affairs with hookers and all.

"Shut up hooker-boy!" shouted Eccentric whilst mooning him. Some people just couldn’t let it drop. "We are leaving as soon as the final touches have been made! The rest of the team should be finishing anytime now!" Eccentric was getting a little bit over excited. The furthest trip he had been on was once to the seaside when he was a child, and Quizical was having doubts as to whether it was a good idea to bring him along. He might freak out and do something which could really fuck up the mission.

"That is correct" said Quizical calmly, "Shogo is tweaking the hyper-drive, Cereal Samurai is modifying the safety structure, and JohnDoe and MrPickles are painting funny pictures on the side"

Atari Addict sighed heavily. He had only been on the council for 2 months, and already he was confident that the science team was going to fuck up something. Painting funny pictures on the side? What a couple of monkeys.

"What kind of pictures exactly?" He asked the two spokesmen.

"Well, JohnDoe has done a rather good rendition of the goatse man around the window, so it looks like he is stretching the glass, and MrPickles has done some cool graffiti style lettering saying ‘OMGOMG!!1 Goatse is t3h shizznat!!!11’ on the side of the contraption." Said Quizical proudly.

"Enough of this childish banter!" shouted FightingChance. "This meeting shall be held again tomorrow, when I hope you have a more mature opinion about what this mission could alter". He doubted anything new would develop, but he had a cunning plan…

"And until then, STAY PUT!" he added, straining his voice and attempting to re-gain some authority on the two idiots. Atari Addict and Pompous Frog nodded in agreement. Eccentric started shaking, and looked as if he was about to start freaking out all over the place.

"Waaaa! Fuck you guys! We don’t have to listen to you! We’re rebels baby! And you are just monkey-fuc----" he was cut off by Quizical, who now was covering Eccentric’s mouth with his hand. He was still shouting, but while they were barely audible, the council knew that they should be offended, and therefore, were. FightingChance opened his mouth to speak, so Quizical acted fast.

"Of course we wont go anywhere. We respect your decisions, and we wouldn’t want to upset people of such high stature" said Quizical, maintaining eye-contact with the three members of the council in turn. "But we won’t wait forever…" He said under his breath with a sinister smile.

"HE SAID WHAT!?" Shouted JohnDoe. "I knew you would fux0r it up, I knew it! knew it! I knew it!" He started to cry on the floor. He didn’t spend 5 hours painting the goatse man around every window on the machine for nothing. And MrPickles, who was now sulking in the corner, was very upset that the ancient tribes of Africa wouldn’t be able to see his collection of Hentai on his laptop.

"Silence!" Snapped Quizical, as he bitch slapped the both of them. "I have a cunning plan…

1 hour and 13 pints each of cheap lager later…

"So then I said to the guy: ‘Just because your fan has pretty flashing lights, it doesn’t mean you can tell me to put my pants back on!" Shogo was telling the group about the time he was nearly arrested for indecent exposure in a public place. The group laughed merrily, and ordered another round of drinks.

"Another 6 pints of grog!" shouted Cereal Samurai to the barkeep. This was quite a situation. They were all as drunk as tramps who had recently found out about the 2 for 1 offer on toilet cleaner down at the local supermarket. The barkeep was not happy at all. More to the point, he was violent, and pretty damn sarcastic. It was only 10pm, and the bar was empty apart from the 6 lunatics occupying the table in the centre of the room. Eccentric had earlier tried to make a move on some ladies, but ended up with a gin and tonic in the face. Luckily, he was in the middle of asking them if they wanted to come back to his place for some "hot monkey-loving", and had his mouth open mid-speech. Free drink was his view on the situation.

But the bartender… He was getting mighty pissed off at the bunch of delinquents. A pint glass flew across the room and hit Cereal Samurai square on the forehead. Morbid the barkeep was dancing around behind the bar, singing some Russian drinking song which nobody could decipher.

"Good shot!" Exclaimed Shogo. Everyone laughed merrily.

"Like, Whoa man! I’m freakin' out here!" Shouted Eccentric, waving his arms around and spilling JohnDoe’s pint. "I mean, what is your cunning plan?" He directed to Quizical. "To get drunk and forget about it? How are we going to continue with the mission if the council won’t let us?!" He shouted louder.

"Stupid!" Quizical retorted. He was still thinking about leaving Eccentric behind, but decided he was too loveable. "We just do it anyway! Tonight if we have to! Don’t you learn anything from daytime television and crappy American sitcoms?"

The group of scientists had a look of realisation on their faces.

"How could we have been so stupid?" asked Shogo rhetorically.

"Beats me." Said MrPickles dumbfoundedly. "I always thought we were pretty smart… Well, at least smarter than monkeys, anyway".

Quizical sighed and bashed his head on the table repeatedly. "We do it tonight, as soon as we get back to the lab. If we can make it back to the lab in our drunken state that is…"

The group nodded, and JohnDoe hit MrPickles in the face for the hell of it. It was the firm belief of the entire science team that MrPickles was dropped on his head from a great height as a child. And there philosiphy on that was not to bury the tradition. Hence, they give him an hourly beating, much like a baby might need feeding.

So, they set off to the lab, much to the pleasure of Morbid the barkeep.

"Don’t be up too late kids! Wouldn’t want your mommies to get worried about you!" He shouted as they left.

43 minutes and a few kebabs later…

*Thunk

*Smash*

Watch the hell where you’re going would you?"

*Snap*

*Bash

"Hey Shogo, you were the one who wanted to ride back in a wheelbarrow!"

*Schree!

*Clink!*

"But you’re steering, Eccentric!"

"Don’t lay the blame on me! I know I stole it from an old lady’s back garden, and I should be ashamed, but I’m as drunk as a whore on prom night, so I don’t give a shit baby!"

*Bump*

"You don’t look too different either – And why DID you steal that traffic cone?"

"Seemed like a good idea at the time… And it matches my hair – makes me look damn sexy."

*Crick*

"Yeah… It sort of does actually…" Shogo had his hand slapped by Eccentric.

Once they had successfully parked the lawnmower, and made a half-hearted attempt at cleaning up the trail of destruction they had left around the lab, they approached the machine.

"Holy shit on a flying mouse!" shouted JohnDoe. "That bastard FightingChance had put a padlock on the door to the time machine!"

"Fucker." Said Quizical. "Eccentric, get out of that wheelbarrow, and go and get the keys from FightingChance"

"How!? I’m too drunk! Can’t someone else do it? I’ll probably end up sleeping with him in my state!" Eccentric wailed. The look on everyone’s faces simply and honestly said: "And?".

"Ok, Ok! Fine, I’ll go!… But you all owe me big time for this – and nobody steal my traffic cone while I’m gone!" Eccentric said, embracing his plastic orange warning contraption.

"Why don’t you take it with you?" asked Cereal Samurai with a smug look on his face…

Forty minutes later, Eccentric ran back into the lab, panting and wheezing, but smiling with a set of keys in his hand.

"Where the hell have you been?!" Shouted Shogo. "We all got bored of waiting and broke the padlock off with MrPickle’s head" he explained.

"I saw a fire engine" said MrPickles with an air of wonder.

"What happened to your traffic cone?" asked Quizical. "Where is it?"

"Ah well… You see… The thing is… You don’t really want to know…" Eccentric said, looking very sheepish indeed. "But I will tell you this: It isn’t exactly orange anymore, and FightingChance wont exactly be sitting down for a few weeks…" He didn’t look at them at all whilst speaking. His eyes were firmly fixed on his hands, as he was trying to remove some sort of chocolate stain or something.

"Excellent!" Bellowed Quizical. "Now that old fruit won’t be bothering us, we can safely get on with the mission! Quick! Into the time machine!" He yelled.

MrPickles and JohnDoe both ran for the machine, wedging each other in the door frame.

"Nothing a little kick in the arse won’t fix" chortled Cereal Samurai.

Two seconds later, MrPickles and JohnDoe slid across the floor of the machine face down and hit their heads on some sharp metal on the other side. Everyone laughed. Shogo trooped in with his bag of make-up and collection of adult magazines. Cereal Samurai dragged his luggage across the floor and stuffed it on top of MrPickles, taking care to hit him on the head. Eccentric walked in and tripped over MrPickles.

Once they were all inside and accounted for, Quizical closed the time-lock.

"OMGOMG I’m so Excited!!!11" Shouted Shogo. A small puddle of yellow liquid appeared on the floor next to his shoe. It was getting larger by the second.

"It’s definitely not orange juice – Well, It doesn’t taste like it anyway…" said Eccentric, licking his lips seductively with a look of confusion on his face. Quizical reached for a sick bag.

"What’s the matter Quizical?" laughed Cereal Samurai. "We haven’t even set off yet, and you’re already puking rainbows!"

"It’s MrPickles" managed Quizical. "He’s slurping up Shogo’s pi---" He was cut off by another express delivery of carrots and other colourful wonders.

"I’m definitely not sitting next to you!" Cereal Samurai shouted looking disgusted. He edged away from the display of piss-drinking and puking, sitting down next to JohnDoe. Immediately he jumped up and slapped JohnDoe across the face, walking over to a chair that had no others near it. He made sure his ass was safe from un-welcome grab-happy hands.

Everyone was strapped in, (barring MrPickles, who was still unconscious on the floor), Quizical walked up to the console.

"Ok!" he shouted to the team, "It’s time to see if this sucker can actually work!"

Shogo couldn’t contain his excitement, and ran up to the CD player, pumping Metallica up to full volume. He then proceeded to "Fucking Headbang" around the small room, and wail on the "air-guitar". He jumped on MrPickles a few times, then greased up the floor with some butter, and started breakdancing.

"What is the first mission?" asked JohnDoe to Quizical.

Shogo carried on headbanging.

"Mission?" asked Quizical in return.

Shogo accidentally headbanged the console keypad. The whole room froze, went blurry, and then a blissful white light overcame the small metal room. It was blinding, but only for a split second. Then, they were gone.

The room in which the time machine had once been was left with a ring of smoke. 6 scientists were on their way to an unknown time. All 6 of them were shitting in their small metal space pants.

Chapter 2 – Exploitation of Egypt, Part 1

Huw was extremely happy. He had just been promoted through the ranks of slavery. No longer would he have to toil in the desert. Now he could reside in the palace, and wash the pharaoh’s feet.

Spankz the evil slave-master had once shed a tear for him, after watching a 30 ton stone block fall onto his toes. He felt sorry for the little man, and decided to put a word in for him. You see, bastards have hearts too.

Huw was the happiest slave in Egypt. A sweet melody could be heard from his lips, as he skipped along, whistling to himself. He passed the pyramid which he had been working on before his promotion, and waved at the other workers, who were still slaving away in the scorching heat. A rock left the hand of one of the slaves and miraculously hit Huw on the jaw. The slave did not look apologetic.

But Huw didn’t care! He was happier than a midget with stilts, and his new job meant more money.

"Haha!" he shouted gleefully, "Have fun lifting bricks for the rest of your days, fools! I’m a foot-scrubber now!"

The slaves stared blankly at the skipping fool, and reached for more rocks. Slave master Spankz cracked his whip and they all went back to pushing their large stone blocks. Stories, nasty stories had been told about Spankz and his bullwhip.

Huw laughed and carried on skipping. He began to approach the next pyramid, still whistling merrily. He couldn’t wait to get home and tell his wife about his new job – They would no longer have to live in their small straw hut, fending off hungry sheep from eating their home. With all the extra money he would be earning, they could finally move into one of those new stone shacks which had just come on the market. Hell, they could even start to raise a family. He would have to convince her to get naked though, so maybe he would leave that until she was drunk.

A tear of happiness rolled down his cheek, and he paused at the bottom of the pyramid he was next to. As he looked upon the years of hard work put into building the pyramid, and all the good times he had spent with the other slaves, he almost felt sad he was leaving the pyramid business.

"What fucking button did you push Shogo!?"

Huw looked up. He saw something in the sky which resembled a square rock. But it was shiny.

"A shiny rock?" he said to himself. He wasn’t any genius, but he knew that rocks weren’t shiny. He pondered what it could be for about four seconds, and then it hit him. It hit him at 500 miles per hour.

Cereal Samurai peered out of the porthole in the side of the machine. Metallica could still be heard blaring from the CD player. Shogo was still running round headbanging, and jumping onto control panels, strumming out power-chords on his imaginary guitar. Quizical looked around. He felt like he had just woken up from a night out on the pubs, and his head was pounding, making his face hurt and his eyes screw up. Once he had recovered from the impact of falling from the sky in a metal box, he calmly walked over to the stereo and hit the off button. He then bitch slapped Shogo and walked over to MrPickles, who was still unconscious on the floor. He woke him up with a nice hard kick to the jaw.

"Holy shit!" exclaimed Cereal Samurai. "We’re in bloody Egypt!"

"That’s not possible, this is a time machine – We are not able to travel through space." Said Quizical sourly. His head was pounding so hard now that he thought one of the the cogs had slipped in his skull. JohnDoe looked sheepish, and started shuffling around uneasily.

"Oh…That would have been….me.." He said cautiously. "I added a space drive because I thought it might… Make things more… Interesting." If there was a camera in the room filming the whole thing, he would have smiled cheekily into it. Eccentric opened the door and stepped out casually.

"So that would be why we popped into the sky 2 miles above sea level and plummeted down, landing on…. What appears to be a pool of jam…" Said Eccentric whilst looking at the ground surrounding the machine, and scratching his chin.

"Uhm.. I believe that used to be some form of domestic animal. And judging by the disgusting smell, I would say it hadn’t been washed in about 3 years." Said Cereal Samurai, putting on his best Steve Irwin voice. Steve Irwin was his hero.

Eccentric grabbed Cereal Samurai’s arm and ran back into the time machine, much to Cereal Samurai’s surprise.

"No time to explain! No time to explain!" he was shouting, whilst jumping around in a paroxysm of excitement.

"What’s the big idea!?" yelled Cereal Samurai.

"People!" Shouted Eccentric. "People with big sticks!"

MrPickles started salivating, and he crawled towards the door. He moved in a way it was obvious he was trying to conceal his crotch, which had enlarged at the mention of "STICKS! He said Sticks!" explained JohnDoe.

MrPickles went back to his chair, with a look of disappointment across his face.

"Well what do we do?" asked Eccentric whilst trying to contain himself. Quizical opened the door slightly, and took a quick ganders out. He saw roughly 30 men, wearing rags, all chained to one-another. At the rear, a large burly man stood with a whip, ushering the chained men towards the time machine.

"Oooh, he looks nasty" said Quizical to himself. He closed the door, and addressed the 5 other scientists.

"OK, here’s the deal: If they are hostile, we are fucked. The only way to get out of this situation, is back the way we came. Hit it, JohnDoe"

JohnDoe did nothing. JohnDoe looked awfully upset.

"I’m sorry to break it to you at this very bad time, but the machine took a bad hit when we landed, or crashed should I say." He said grimly. "Yup, we’re lucky it’s still in one piece. Gonna take at least a few hours to fix it." He put his head into his hands, and then sat up straight when the smell hit his nostrils. He didn’t know why his hands smelt so bad, and he didn’t particularly want to know.

"It’s OK!" piped up MrPickles. "I have an amazingly masterful plan…."

"Shut up Pickles." Said Shogo. "Mine is better".

"But you haven’t even heard it yet!" He squealed.

"Mine is still better" Shogo Replied.

"But you ha----" MrPickles was cut off by a boot hitting him in the groin. The boot had "SHOGO" embossed onto it, and was made of steel. MrPickles, evidently, was not.

The slaves neared the machine cautiously, proceeding hesitantly, not one of them wanting to be leading the others. Spankz cracked his whip and they edged closer.

"THIS IS GOD!" said the little metal thing on top of the machine.

The slaves looked at each other in confusion. They were confused for two reasons. The first was the fact that apparently, God had just appeared in a metal box. The second thing that confused them was how they were able to understand a language they had never heard before. They assumed it was because God was here, and everyone knows that when God comes, strange things happen. Like lightning, and fish falling out of the sky and crazy things like that. So, they all dropped to their knees, and started chanting and bowing, in a way which resembled a bus of disabled people nodding along to a nursery rhyme. Even Spankz had lowered to one knee. His excitement at seeing 30 slaves bent over had kept his other leg reasonably straight.

"It’s working!" squeaked MrPickles. He ran up to Shogo and grabbed the microphone.

"All your pyramid are belong to us!" said the little metal thing on top of the machine.

The slaves jumped back and started screaming, running around hitting their heads like demented monkeys.

"OUCH!" Said the little speaker on top of the machine. Shogo removed the microphone from MrPickles and gave him a slap.

"Settle down, mortals. You have not sinned yet, and will receive no punishment." Said the speaker.

The slaves composed themselves, and resumed praying.

"Great! Now they think we are Gods, and we wont be slaughtered and ass-raped by a bunch of horny and obviously pretty gay slaves!" Said Cereal Samurai excitedly.

Quizical nodded. "Shogo, Cereal Samurai, You go and explore the area while we fix the machine. Try and find out about the culture here, and report back in 3 hours." He said.

"Isn’t that a bit stupid?" asked Shogo. "We are bound to make a mess of things!"

"Just go!" Snapped Quizical. "Have some fun, and get laid for God’s sake!"

Shogo grabbed Cereal Samurai by the underpants and they stumbled out onto the dusty desert. Slavemaster Spankz stepped forward.

"At your service, my Gods." He said. "Anything you may require which is within my powers shall be yours" he finished with a sly wink.

"Anything, eh?" asked Shogo.

To be continued....